Mega Man X7: ScrewUps and Shite
by laZardo
Summary: You thought we were dead, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? But we're back with more of what the Moral Majority reviles: sex, violence, and above all, shameless TV and movie references. R&R Sil Vous Plait!


Disclaimer: All named MegaMan characters here are trademarked to Capcom. Bud and respective stage staff are property (literally and figuratively) of Bud Muncher Productions, Ltd. (not a real company name.) Sue me and yo ass iz mine.

Future City, Nevada  
Year 21XX

(Two reploids stand atop a conveniently tall futuristic building, watching through cybernetically-enhanced eyes at another building below.)

Red: This is it, ready to rock?  
Axl: Mmm...look at 'em go...oh...yes...harder... (massages crotch with one hand(

(Red slaps Axl upside the head.)

Red: PAY ATTENTION!  
Axl: Yeah, uh, right. Always ready.  
Red: (into wrist radio) Get ready to move on my mark.

BMP Presents:

A Bud Muncher Production...

Fade in from black to a worried Stage Guy 1, dressed in a suit, camera zooming out slowly.

SG1: I had just come back to America after filming the latest MegaMan Legends movie. I wanted to live like a successful American stage worker and raise my baby well. She was beautiful, like the ones you see with evil geniuses.

Brief turn to Don Electrone, a burly reploid with a walking stick, sitting at his desk, with his white-haired consigliereploid Aluce beside him. The Don nods in sympathy as Stage Guy 1 goes on.

SG1: But when I left to film I leave my baby with the sitter...and I find she has this party and invites these rowdy kids over...and... (sobs)

Aluce: Go on.

SG1: I trusted her and she betrayed me...Look...look what they did to my baby!  
Stage Guy 1 withdraws a folded surveillance printout from his pocket and hands it to Aluce. He looks at the picture briefly before passing it to the Don.

(The camera zooms in on the picture, showing a kitten being shaved by some sadistic, shadowy characters. The kitten looks up into the camera with Puss In Boots eyes.)

Stage Guy 1 drops to his knees, despair written all over his face.

SG1: I have surveillance all over my house like a good American...but I never went to the cops with the footage because I knew they'd just get that slap on the wrist...

Aluce: So you're coming to the Don for help, is that it?

SG1: Yes! Yes, Godfather! I need your justice!

The Don offers a hand and SG1 kisses it. The Don then rises and peers out a window.

Don: All right. I will do this for you as a favor from me, Don Electrone.

(He turns back to Stage Guy 1 and places a hand on SG1's shoulder.)

Don: But one day, and may that day never come, you will be asked to render a service. For now, take this favor out of respect for your fine show.

SG1 hangs his head, still sobbing.

SG1: Yes...Godfather...I am in your debt.

Don: Good, good. Aluce, escort this man to his car, I would like some time alone to figure things out.

Aluce: Yes sir.

(Aluce beckons SG1 to stand, and when he complies the two walk out, SG1's arm over Aluce's shoulder.)

The Don kneels by a window and begins to pray.

"In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit, amen..."

(Camera fade to SG1 and Aluce walking down a hallway.)

SG1: Excuse me...I need to use the restroom...my nose...

Aluce: (looking to side, where a men's room happens to be placed( All right. I'll wait out here.

"Our Father, who art in Heaven..."

(Mega Man Juno hovers through a grocery store, looking for the Jell-O section)

"Hallowed be thy name..."

(IceMan gets off a bus at a Greyhound terminal carrying what appears to be a suspiciously long and narrow guitar case.)

"Thy kingdom come..."

(Cut to Bud Muncher driving up to a tollbooth in the Old City. The car in front of them seems to have stalled in front of the barricade.)

"Thy will be done on earth..."

(Juno begins shovelling Jello into his lower body container. One of the boxes, oddly enough, is all black.)

"As it is in heaven..."  
(Bud hands the fare to the toll collector, who then fumbles with the change and ducks down. The hot chick doing Bud orally sits up.)

(Bud looks ahead and sees several Red Alert reploids stepping out of the car ahead of him.)

Bud: Oh, crap. Disgruntled fans.

"Give us this day our daily bread..."  
(Juno empties his container onto the cashier's counter, and waits patiently as the cashier begins scanning the boxes of Jell-O.)

"And forgive us our trespasses..."

(The gunmen open fire on the car, causing Bud pull up his pants and duck below the dashboard)

Bud: (shouting) OH GOD! OH MY GOD!

"As we forgive those..."

(IceMan gets into an elevator at a rather swanky hotel, 'guitar case' in hand.)

"Who tresspass against us..."

(The Red Alert Gunmen continue to fire into the car, shredding the girl in the passenger seat.)

(Bud opens the driver's door and slowly squirms onto the gap between the car and the tollbooth)

Bud: (still screaming) OH MY GOD! OH MY GAAAAAWD!

"And lead us not into temptation..."  
(The cashier seems to have stopped on the black box, and eyes it curiously, wondering where the heck the barcode is)

(A shady Red Alert reploid activates a detonator in his hand, causing the storefront to explode.)

(Juno - and his upper body - land on the sidewalk outside the store, blackened and swirly-eyed from the explosion. The Red Alert car speeds off in the distance.)

"But deliver us from evil..."

(The Red Alert gunmen stop firing and get into their car, speeding away. A scared, empty bladdered Bud gasps for breath and checks himself to see if he's alright)

Bud: (massive sigh of relief) Oh God...that was close...

(Bud gets up slowly and peeks into his car. The hottie that accompanied him is thoroughly bloody swiss cheese, though the liquid dripping from her mouth is white.)

Bud: What the... (swabs some of the white stuff with his finger, mixes it with blood and tastes it) ...so that's what it tastes like.

"Amen."

(The Don stands up and slowly turns around, revealing Aluce pointing a gun to his head.)

Don: So. You are the one who betrays me.

Axl: No...(transforms out of Aluce disguise) I took care of him two seconds ago.

Don: Dear God...

(Don Electrone drops to his knees and bows his head)

(Camera outside the doorway, as the door slowly closes to conceal what happens inside. A single muffled shot rings out. A familiar theme song plays but is interrupted by...)

(...IceMan walking into a hotel room and speargunning Baby Bop, before skipping merrily out across the hallway.)

(...with "We Are Family" playing in the background.)

X - "The Hippie"

Zero - "The Insecure Male"

And introducing:

Axl - "The Trigger-happy Tomboy"

MegaMan X7: Screw-Ups and Shite!

To be continued in Mission 0: Inter(State) Course

And, uh, bring in the dancing lobsters!

Juno: My...Jell-O...


End file.
